


The Experts on Court...ship?

by heartgame



Series: Teikou Academy Host Club [1]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Host Clubs, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-01-27 20:10:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1721036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartgame/pseuds/heartgame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teikou Academy, a high school renowned for its glamorous, super elite student body, once produced an amateur host club so uniquely captivating that the members came to be known as the "Generation of Miracles." Among these gifted students, there were rumors of a phantom-like 7th man whose support from the shadows propelled the host club to true stardom. This is his story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An 8 Million Yen Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Because I wanted to establish a universe where a commoner Kuroko has to deal with the ridiculous super elite problems of GoM + Kagami. If you're unfamiliar with Ouran HS Host Club, aside from the visual setting and the flow of the intro, you shouldn't be missing much from this AU. Just know that, despite the bad writing, everything being ludicrous is where the humor should be coming from. Enjoy!

Teikou Academy.

A high school where lineage counted first, with money a close second.

To put it in fewer words, it was a high school where Kuroko Tetsuya didn't belong.

With an unremarkable family tree and even less remarkable assets, he wondered if he was even qualified to wash its crystal windows.

And yet there he stood, peering up in awe at that overbearing, iron-wrought gateway. Behind him was the half-circle of a driveway where limousines pulled up, dropped off, and zoomed away like clockwork. The released students would then saunter by him, chattering about their vacations to Paris ("The scenery was so luscious!"), that new designer bag ("I bought a new outfit to match!"), or that new addition to their mansions ("You've gotta check out the 3 new tennis courts!"). 

Kuroko suppressed the creeping anxiety as much as he could. After all, he was the one honor student of the incoming class who jumped through enough metaphorical hoops to be awarded a full scholarship. He worked hard to _earn_ the opportunity to walk through these gates.

And walk through them he did.

Classes went on without much excitement, if one ignored the fact that lessons were conducted in a bizarre dimension of marble floors, polished wooden desks, and ornate wall decorations. The halls continued the trend as mile-high windows and elegant chandeliers lined each corridor. Kuroko became very well acquainted with these architectural points as he wandered the main building in search of a quiet place to study after school. All four libraries were exceptionally crowded, and other rooms were occupied by clubs for meetings or practice.

Then he found himself at the Third Music Room in the South Wing, which was a ways off from the bustling areas he'd been to. He hoped this was a good sign and began to venture in.

"Welcome to the Teikou Academy Host Club!"

The sound of Kuroko yanking the door closed seemed to reverberate all the way through to the corridors of the North Wing.

Inside, an unintelligible argument erupted almost immediately, shouts layering one on top of the other. Kuroko wondered for a fleeting moment if maybe he had offended them somehow, but when he remembered that they'd announced themselves to be a "host club," he felt much less bothered about it. What use would he have for a club like that?

Just when he had finally made up his mind to leave, however, the door was pulled open from the other side.

"Why don't you come in, Kuroko Tetsuya?" a crimson-haired boy inquired. Though his heterochromatic eyes were at the same level as Kuroko's blue ones, his presence felt as overwhelming as a giant's.

The honor student just stared, his tongue paralyzed along with the rest of his body (how did he know his name?), and before he knew it he was standing inside that boisterous music room where it looked like five colors of the rainbow were about to engage in a death match.

The crimson-haired boy spoke again in as even as tone as he'd used with Kuroko. "Everyone, we have a guest."

Silence. A very long silence.

They were all looking in the direction of doorway, but no one so much as breathed.

Finally, the crimson-haired boy put his hand on Kuroko's shoulder. "This is Tetsuya."

As if that statement hit the "Play" button on the action, the other guys in the room all settled down one after the other. Uncomfortable with the attention he was inevitably about to receive, Kuroko busied himself with thoughts of how the room seemed more like a glorified lounge than a music practice space. Aside from the generous amount of plush, upholstered furniture, there were also several carved wooden tables and chairs placed tastefully about the area.

"Oh, what? It's just some _dude_?" A tanned, navy-haired boy sighed as he collapsed onto a sofa that looked more refined than he did.  
Another guy with rusty red hair who looked to be about the same build plopped down next to him and playfully elbowed his chest. "Still sore about Mai-chan studying abroad in--?"  
" _Don't_ remind me, Kagami."

"Aww, come on," a blond chimed in, leaning against the armrest with his hands in his pockets. "He seems pretty cute, albeit a bit of a runt."

Something about his tone told Kuroko there wasn't a compliment in that statement.

"Oha Asa did mention to be wary of unusual visitors…" muttered the bespectacled, green-haired boy hammering away on his keyboard at one of the tables. "To think it would be this year's honor student…"

An actual giant of a high school student with violet hair seated in the adjacent chair was partaking in an exquisite strawberry shortcake. "Akachin, does this mean we have to work now?"

"Not exactly, Atsushi." His hand didn't leave Kuroko's shoulder. "Tetsuya will be joining the club."

Silence again, an especially stifling one. The honor student could feel his composure collapsing faster than his will to live during exam week.

"Um, I believe there must be some mistake--" he began to say.

"If you're looking for a mistake," the crimson-haired boy continued, turning his head to a corner of the room. "It would be right over there."

All eyes followed his. And sure enough, the shattered remains of an expensive…something lay on the glossy floor. Kuroko's eyes widened.

"So that's what that sounds was." The navy-haired one whistled at the sight. "Hey, wasn't that the thing we were gonna auction off at the charity whatever?"  
The boy next to him followed his lead. "Yeah, I think it was pretty pricey…"  
"Try 8 million yen," bit out the one with glasses.  
The blond let out a dramatic "Yikes!" while the violet-haired one grunted through his chewing.

8 million yen.  
8 _million_ yen.

Kuroko wasn't even sure he knew what 8 million yen looked like. He could feel the sweat forming in his palms as that heterochromatic gaze locked back onto him.

"It seems you were a bit overzealous with slamming the door," the crimson-haired boy explained, squeezing Kuroko's shoulder more authoritatively than sympathetically. "Now, unless you have a more immediate method of settling this debt, Shintarou will be processing your membership."

Kuroko gulped as the boy leaned closer to his ear and said with evident amusement, "I expect big things from you, Tetsuya."

And in that moment, the honor student knew that nodding his head was the same as bidding farewell to the peaceful high school days he was now never going to have.


	2. The Host Club is in Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroko reluctantly gets acquainted with the operations of the host club as part of his first task.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos! I may have gotten a bit carried away with the next part, but do enjoy~

Observe.

That was the task Akashi had accorded him...for now, Kuroko recalled bitterly.

Two days had gone by since he shattered that not-so-priceless 8 million yen vase (an import from Italy, he was informed), and all he had to show for that was a growing mental encyclopedia on Teikou's resident host club. He wasn't thoroughly convinced that such a club activity could even be considered legal for underage students, but then again this school wasn't exactly _normal_.

Hosting activities began promptly at 4pm as they had the previous days, with clients lined up the moment the antique grandfather clock chimed on the hour. Although things were normally managed through appointments and time limits, on Walk-in Wednesdays like this one, the Music Room resembled more of a madhouse than anything.

Aomine and Kagami roosted on their usual sofa, chatting up 3 clients seated on an opposing couch. According to some gossip from Kise during lunch ("Didn't see you there! You don't mind if I sit here, right?"), they had to be marketed as a package deal because, when they were first starting out, too many of their individual sessions ended with the client in not-so-happy tears. 

"And this idiot jumped so high his face hit the backboard _again_ ," Aomine recounted, barking with laughter. It was no sooner interrupted with a smack to the back of his head.  
"Hey!" Kagami seethed. "I made the damn dunk, all right? Don't be such a dick about it."  
"'The hell's your problem all of a sudden? I'm just telling them what happened."  
"Yeah? Well, no thanks."

Kuroko had noted early on that their conversations often took these confrontational turns. Whatever misgivings he might have had about the pair as attractive hosts, however, were quickly corrected for him.

After a few moments of tension, enough to get the clients at the edge of their seats, Aomine sighed and looked pointedly away from Kagami. "It ain't everyday someone collides with the friggin' backboard, you know. It takes an idiot who can jump idiotically high to get that kind of story."

Then the lightbulb went off and Kagami hooked onto the backhanded compliment, elbowing his fellow basketball player. "Well, would it kill you to mention the not-idiotic things I do with my idiotic jumping?" For added effect, he topped off the jab with the slightest of smiles.

Mimicking the gentle expression, Aomine conceded, "Show me something not idiotic, then we'll talk."

The horrendously indirect "make-up" scene sent the girl swooning, even though the hosts spring-boarded into more banter just moments later. If Kuroko were to be honest, the appeal wasn't totally lost on him; seeing two personalities that should be too similar to stay friends awkwardly work things out was rather cathartic. And if he were to be even more honest, watching the two hot-blooded basketball nerds argue did provide more than a semblance of entertainment.

While Aomine and Kagami operated on their natural fiery chemistry, the other hosts' charms stemmed more from technique or individual characteristics. As it turned out, Midorima's skill particularly thrived on Walk-in Wednesdays.

The green-haired club vice president always sat at a table in one's direct line of sight from the entryway. There Kuroko would notice him on his computer or speaking with clients and never gave it a second thought, but on that particular day, it became clear what was so special about sitting there.

With his two clients having taken their leave, Midorima's attentions were now free to wander about the Music Room. He sat for awhile, contemplating something, when a new client arrived at the door.

"Welcome to the Teikou Academy Host Club!" greeted the pink-haired manager Momoi Satsuki. "Is there anyone you're here to see today?"

The girl wavered at the question, casting her eyes about the room in search of an answer.

"It's my first time, so I--"

In that instant, she was ensnared by an intense bespectacled gaze. His grip lasted a little more than a second before he blinked it away. She stood, haunted by its iciness, but just before she could return her attentions to Satsuki, he spared her one more fleeting, calculating glance.

Hook, line, and sinker.

"Actually, is um…M-Midorima-kun available?" she stammered, eyes on the ground.

"Well, what do you know, he's just freed up! Right this way!"

Kuroko didn't consider himself particularly fond of Midorima thus far. He was cold and enigmatic, someone he felt hard to get close to. And yet he found himself occasionally taken in by those gazes, those looks that seemed like they were assessing you and yet betrayed nothing of their findings. Kuroko might have likened the experience to being beckoned by a shadow that wanted you to ask it about its secrets, regardless of whether it would tell them to you or not. Never was there a client that turned down that silent invitation when it came.

Murasakibara provided another mysterious case. Kuroko didn't have anything personal against him, but the giant just seemed so utterly unmotivated by the activity that the newcomer continued to question what he was even doing in a host club in the first place. If he wasn't eating, he was napping, and if he wasn't doing that--well, Kuroko hadn't really seen him do much of anything else yet.

But to Kuroko's surprise, clients were still flocking to him, usually with remarks like:

"Murasakibara-kun! What do you think of this new recipe we're using for our tea cookies?"  
"My stepsister is getting married this weekend and she needs help finding the perfect cake. Do you have any suggestions, Murasakibara-kun?"  
"Everyone at the banquet loved those little tarts! Please send my regards to that new chef of yours."

Though he might have done so at a lazy pace, Murasakibara conscientiously answered the inquiries and accepted the praise. Clearly he and his family were a big name in the pastry business, and the boy seemed to like it well enough. Kuroko just couldn't see what about it could be called hosting; it was more like a consulting gig, if he had to pick a term.

The remaining two hosts, however, were no doubt masters of the trade.

Kise's natural good looks already made him a magnet for most potential clients, and even by himself he could handle three or more with ease. Though Kuroko had seen him copy a technique or two from the others before, his arsenal of charms was vast on its own. Indeed, where Kuroko used to only see a bubbly blond mess, a method to the madness was starting to emerge.

When one client asked him about the magazine he appeared in as a model last month, Kise replied sheepishly, "You saw that?"  
The girl, who seemed shy enough to be overwhelmed by his usual bravado, was encouraged by his apparent vulnerability. "Y-Yes! K-Kise-kun was very handsome."  
Kise grinned innocently. "If you think so, then I'm glad."

As that client fainted into her seat, the blond took the opportunity to scoot a little closer to the girl seated on his other side on the sofa. "What about you, Nomiyacchi?"

Her stoic demeanor indicated she would be a harder sell than the previous client, and Kise knew just where to push. Placing his forearm on top of the backrest, he leaned in dangerously close to "Nomiyacchi's" face. Then, with that same innocent grin, he inquired casually, "Were you able to get a good look at me too?"

3…2…1…and…knockout. The client let her soul pass to the next world after too many failed attempts to formulate a response. The blond took a moment to admire his handiwork before calling Satsuki over to deal with the remains.

And then there was Akashi. Where Kise might be the prince of the host club, Akashi was its king--emperor, even. There was not a name he didn't know nor a lineage or family trade he was unfamiliar with. Unlike Kise, the club president entertained a steadier pace of clients to ensure his focus wasn't too far dispersed. Of course, this didn't stop a majority of the clients from offering him at least a greeting when they came to the club.

"Congratulations on winning nationals again, Akashi-kun," said a particularly fidgety client before sipping more tea. "You're really gifted at shogi, aren't you?"  
"I did only what came naturally to me," he replied, eyes drifting from hers to her trembling hands. The cordial distance between them shrank by a hair's breadth.

It was a secret to no one that Akashi had the most commanding presence of anyone in the room, and you either learned to deal with it or were eventually crushed by it. This client's endurance didn't seem like it would last.

Kuroko held his breath in anticipation of the hot liquid spilling all over the poor girl, but it never came to pass. As if he knew the precise moment her grip would fail, Akashi's hands smoothly moved to reinforce the hold: one hand steadied hers beneath the saucer while the other strengthened the one holding the actual cup.

"Do be careful," he cautioned with a small smile. "It's quite hot."

The steam from her ears far overshadowed that which emanated from her cup, and she fainted soon after he relieved her of the beverage. After spotting Akashi also rescue other items and even clients themselves in mid-swoon on other occasions, Kuroko started to wonder if the club president was predicting these accidents or actually causing them. Maybe it was a combination of both.

Either way, the whole thing, all of it, was still lost on Kuroko. Sure, he could see more or less why people would want to come talk to these rainbow-haired health liabilities, but how about the other way around? Why would these particular guys make such a club? Is it really all that fun, being the center of attention? Was there something he was missing?

"Tetsuya," called Akashi, interrupting his line of thought. "Have you been observing?"  
It still surprised Kuroko how the crimson-haired boy could find him so easily when he was no more obvious than a fly on the wall to everyone else in the room. He nodded as the club president sat himself across the table.  
"I believe I get how everything works now, Akashi-kun."  
"Is that so?"  
Kuroko nodded more cautiously this time. The gleam in Akashi's golden eye gave him chills.  
"Then do you also understand how everything does _not_ work?"  
He blinked. "Pardon?"  
"It seems you have more observations to make then, Tetsuya. I trust you won't disappoint me."

And with that, Akashi was gone, and Kuroko's forehead became close friends with the surface of the mahogany table.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Teikou uniforms for everyone! ...If that helps with the visualizing.
> 
> 2\. I only counted Kagami in the GoM in the summary to facilitate writing. GoM here is not an important designation as it is in canon, just something I included for fun.
> 
> 3\. Introductory pieces will be somewhat sequential, but otherwise this is merely a universe for non-continuous episodes.


End file.
